sarahplain&small

I’ve redone the design on the blog. Incidentally, I’ve also added a bragging rights page wherein you can find me through various other outlets on the internet.  It’s almost like Christmas, and by that I mean that one really awful Christmas that involved your drunk Aunt Tessie, spoiled fruitcake (who knew that shat went bad?), and being rejected by that guy you had a crush on in 7th grade. Happy happy! 

This is so going to be my Facebook profile picture.  

This is so going to be my Facebook profile picture.  

Buffet Madness, You Guys

Ted:

too much eggnog?

Me:

you have no idea.

Ted:

i just had too much chinese food. if you are ever feeling fat, go to a chinese food buffet.

Me:

are you kidding me? chinese food buffets are my JAM.

Ted:

i've got buffet madness. too much crab rangoon.

Me:

'buffet madness' - i love it. it's an affliction.

Me:

where's the girlfriend going?

Ted:

Niagara falls with her family!

Me:

sweet! i've never been there, believe it or not.

Ted:

it's okay. there's a waterfall.

Me:

so i've heard.

Ted:

anyway. how old is your little girl now?

Me:

she just turned three in november.

Ted:

oh man.

Me:

right? time flies like the wind. (fruit flies, they like bananas.)

Ted:

I didn't think i'd end up teaching little kids, to be honest.

Me:

fruit flies are, man.

Ted:

touche.

Me:

no, though, kids are awesome. i'm thinking of having another say, sometime next year at this time. i think it'd be fun to be pregnant at christmas. then i'd have even more of an excuse to be a fat cookie-swilling bastard.

Ted:

growing that baby took a lot of heat during the summer i bet. a tiny fetus furnace.

Me:

ugh you have no idea. this is why i'm planning for a winter pregnancy now. a fetus furnace. ingenious. do you have any idea how much i'll save on my oil bill?

The Ice Box Queens and Kings

I have something I want to tell you, and yes, it seems like such a simple thing, but really - it matters far more than you could probably realize at this point in your life.

Are you listening?  

Come here, lean close; I’ll only bother you about this once, I promise, and then you’re off on your own.  

Are you listening?  

… You need to stop harboring ill will toward those close to you.  Or anyone, really, that comes across your path by sheer accident, or fate, whether they cut you off in traffic or mug you in a darkened alleyway. There’s already so much damned hate in the world - and discord, and disagreement - that it’s begun to stealthily wriggle itself into the tiny crevices of our lives and the way that they intermingle and mesh with others, and now, as a result, we’ve forgotten how to be decent human beings.  We’ve allowed our hate, prejudice, and pre-conceived notions about political correctness to absorb into every free, innocent molecule that’s not consumed by the day-to-day rat race of trying to outdo your peers, your siblings, or your friends, and it’s turning us all into droids, robots, violent offenders of sidelong glances that roll off the end of your aristocratic noses.  All of this in a politically correct culture.  We spend so much time judging others, castrating them for their indiscretions, their mistakes, their humanity, that we’ve forgotten how to look inside ourselves.  It’s not so different from the hurricane victims of Katrina - they’d been chased from their homes in order to survive and make it in an ever-changing world and environment, to come home weeks or months later to find that everything in their home - in their refrigerators, cabinets, freezers - has rotted, disintegrated, or otherwise been destroyed beyond use or repair.  

We are those victims that are chased from ourselves because no one in today’s society is content with letting others go along to get along; we are those victims that try to return to our former homes, only to find that everything we once loved, inside, is dead.   

We’ve lost perspective on humanity and what it is to incorporate the meaningful things into our lives - love, joy, peace, faithfulness, kindness, goodness, gentleness, humility, and self-control.  These former pious attributes have been cast aside and traded in at seedy pawn shops for empty political promises, bureaucratic pacification, and the falseness that superficial security in fleeting things brings. We’ve allowed ourselves to be deluded into thinking that these things are the important things in life - money, power, pretentiousness, class, upscale culture, and ill-deserved recognition - and while we’ve been off attaining degree after degree, promotion after promotion, trade-in after trade-in, flipped house after flipped house, unnecessary purchase after unnecessary purchase, we’ve lost what’s been at the core of our souls since the beginning of time.  

Love, peace, joy, faithfulness, kindness, goodness, gentleness, humility, and self-control.  

These are the things that have been left in our refrigerators to rot - whether it was to our credit or not.  

So go home.  Clean these rotting things out.  Go to the store, load up your grocery carts again and take your treasures home, and lovingly place them on the shelves and wire racks on which they belong.  Yeah, there might be another hurricane on the way - maybe sooner rather than later - but at least this time you’ll know that you’ll be able to come back and do it all over again if necessary.  

Starbucks Employees Are the BEST

Me:

Could I have a grande iced soy latte, hold the whipped cream?

"Betty Sue":

Sure. That'll be $4.45.

[Hands the cashier four singles, two quarters and a nickel.]

"Betty Sue":

There's $4.55 here.

Me:

I know.

"Betty Sue":

But it's only $4.45.

[An uncomfortable lengthy pause]

Me:

What can I say, I like dimes.

Strangers passing in the street/by chance two separate glances meet/and I am you and what I see is me

And do I take you by the hand/and lead you to the land

and help me understand the best I can?